God’s Design for Marriage Part 2: A Correct Understanding of God’s Design

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the assembly and gave Himself up for her. Ephesians 5:22, 25

For many of us the excitement of getting married with all its plans and preparations are some of the best times of our lives. The effort that is put into the ceremony can be immense. A lot of planning is crucial for a successful day. I can’t help but think that this same kind of effort needs to go into the marriage itself. 

In order to put in a correct effort, however, a good understanding of what marriage looks like according to God is very important. To help in this, a necessary thing to do would be to ask ourselves before getting into this relationship is why. Why do we want to get married? 

When I was a kid the most common answer back then was to have children and raise a family. This was basic, and I personally believe a good understanding of marriage as God designed it. I will explain why in a minute.

But then the sexual revolution came in and made that common attitude seem archaic and even abusive to women. The feminist movement started at the same time and the traditional attitude of marriage was demonized.

Now it seems like marriage is thought of as adding an extension of ourselves…you know, finding our soul mate…someone who will fulfill us and make us happy. But is this the correct attitude that God is looking for? I would say definitely not in any relationship let alone marriage. How can we make anyone responsible for our own personal fulfillment? It’s a recipe for disaster.

If you look at this reasoning it goes against the core teaching of Christianity. Yet even many Christians have bought into this attitude. I believe that is why divorce is so prevalent in western society. Self-denial and putting others first is very hard to fit into the modern idea of marriage.

…and the two will become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. Mark 10:8

The idea of finding one’s soul mate cannot be more incorrect according to what this verse says. We are to be looking for our flesh mate. The flesh is temporary, the soul is permanent. God makes it clear that our marriage ends at death. 

A wife is bound by law for as long as her husband lives; but if the husband is dead, she is free to be married to whomever she desires, only in the Lord. 1 Corinthians 7:39

Our fleshly bodies die, our souls do not. Even though God instituted marriage before death entered into the world, this sacred union was never intended to be a soul union. In order to understand this, let’s go back to what was God’s reasoning for creating this relationship. Here’s His very first command to the both of them:

God said to them, “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” Genesis 1:28

As we all certainly know, being fruitful and multiplying requires both male and female. So God wanted His image bearers to fill His newly created earth with their offspring. This takes us back to the more traditional idea of marriage that I mentioned earlier. 

On top of that, God wanted humans to subdue the earth which also means to dominate it. Of course, this dominance was supposed to have been benevolent and good for the earth. But let’s get a little more detail as to the why of the fleshly union.

God created the man first and brought him into the garden and commanded him about the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, i.e. don’t eat of it. Then God says that the man needs a helper.

Yahweh God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Genesis 2:18

After God says this He brings the animals to the man who names them. Doing this makes it obvious that there is no one else like the man, who is alone, and he needs help.

Does this make the woman less important than the man? Never. It is only when humans exalt themselves over others that this purpose is demeaned.

God did not make women slaves or servants. Slaves do menial work everyone else is capable of but don’t want to lower themselves to do. Helpers do things for others that they cannot do by themselves. He created her to be a helper, never a servant.

In fact, being a helper is a very noble purpose. Let’s use some real-life examples: In every job that I have ever had, it was always a supervisor who trained or helped me to succeed in that particular employment. Should I have the audacity to think that they are less important than I am? How about mentors? How many times have we heard someone say that they wouldn’t be the person they are without them? Or how many times has someone helped you out and you knew you could have never done it without them? Do you look down on that person? Why is it any different with the role of the wife?

And how about this Helper? Our Creator helps us all the time:

Then Samuel took a stone and set it between Mizpah and Shen, and called its name Ebenezer, saying, “Yahweh helped us until now. 1 Samuel 7:12

In the Hebrew, God calls the woman an “ezer” which means a helper. (Ebenezer means stone of help. The stone was set up as a reminder of God’s help). Looking down on anyone who helps us is actually a very nasty thing to do. We should actually be looking up to them.

This role of helper parallels perfectly with her command to submit in our opening verse. Again, this is not demeaning. It is the role that God has set up in order to have the marriage run smoothly. In all of human society there are different roles for different people. 

In order for any institution to run correctly there needs to be leaders and then those who willfully put themselves under the authority of the leaders in order to get the job done. This is known as submission. It’s no different with marriage. It’s only when the sin of pride takes over that any work is hindered or even ruined.

God’s purpose for marriage is for the man and the woman to work together to glorify God. That is the entire purpose and plan that God has for human marriage and should be our goal in pursuing this kind of relationship. 

Our physical bodies are described at tents where our spirits and souls dwell. We live in them. That’s why the physical marriage union is one flesh. We are never, ever to look at other humans as our soul mate because that is reserved for God alone.

For I am jealous over you with a godly jealousy. For I promised you in marriage to one husband, that I might present you as a pure virgin to Christ. 2 Corinthians 11:2

Does this mean that being in love with our spouses is wrong? Of course not. Love is the great commandment. It is what helps bond the union and make it successful and enjoyable. In fact, husbands are commanded by God to sacrificially love their wives as our opening verse states. Sacrificial love balances out the submission of the wife. 

However, we must remember that our love for God always comes first. 

Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment.  A second likewise is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ The whole law and the prophets depend on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-40

This is the correct order that God desires and helps us to have a right understanding of God’s plan and purpose for our lives in every human relationship including the most foundational which is marriage.