God’s Design for Marriage Part 3: Difficult Marriages and Divorce

Let marriage be held in honor among all…Hebrews 13:4a

For many, many people marriage has been a heartbreaking disappointment. There are countless people who have been hurt badly by those whom they thought would love and cherish them. When this has happened, how is it possible to honor something that has caused so much pain and sorrow?

When things go horribly, we have a tendency to blame the wrong thing. It’s like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Marriage is only bad when a person makes it bad. Marriage as designed by God is good for anyone entering into the covenant if they are willing to follow God’s way and not their own. 

There is a way which seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. Proverbs 14:12 

This verse is literally true for marriage. If we follow our own way and not God’s, it will lead to the death of the marriage. This can even happen if one person really tries to follow God’s way, but the other follows his own way. 

When this happens, though, God has given us His Word to help us navigate through those murky waters. Yes, God has made the provision of divorce for certain unfixable things, but He also wants that to be the last resort after every other option has been exhausted.

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended.” Matthew 19:8 NLT

God knows that there will be those with very hard hearts who will make marriage impossible, but divorce is never what God intends for anyone. When a believing spouse who holds marriage in high honor is married to someone who does not, a good understanding of what God has to say about it is vital for them along with fervent prayer. This will help them get through this hard trial.

God actually addresses disobedient husbands specifically:

In the same way, wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, so that, even if any don’t obey the Word, they may be won by the behavior of their wives without a word. 1 Peter 3:1

Some disobedient men have actually twisted this verse to say that women can’t talk. That’s hogwash. God is saying here that when men disobey God’s Word, it’s possible that they can be won over by the way a wife acts. It’s basically saying that actions speak louder than words. 

In fact, this is true in any human relationship, whether it be friends, co-workers, extended family, etc. Many times when we respond in kindness it will often soften a person and cause them to stop their bad behavior. 

Therefore “If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in doing so, you will heap coals of fire on his head.”  Don’t be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:20-21

When a spouse is behaving badly, God doesn’t want their behavior to control the situation. He wants the obedient spouse’s godly behavior to combat it. 

But what if the disobedient spouse is so hardened that even this doesn’t work? Of course that is going to depend on the situation. Again, God does allow divorce but He wants it to be rare. That’s why I believe He gives very few circumstances in which it is biblical to divorce. 

In fact there are only two explicitly given in Scripture. They are sexual immorality and abandonment.

Let’s look at these before we look into the problem of domestic abuse which has an implicit allowance for divorce, but it’s very limited.

I tell you that whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and he who marries her when she is divorced commits adultery.” Matthew 19:9

If you look at the Greek word for sexual immorality, it is porneia. As we can clearly see, we get our English word pornography from it. So basically any type of sexual misconduct is grounds for divorce. Sexual immorality is the biggest destroyer of marriage, and it is heartbreaking to God.

But that doesn’t mean that forgiveness and reconciliation are not possible. So if a spouse is or has been cheating, or if they are participating in some other sort of sexual misconduct, it is between the offended spouse and God as to whether they will pursue divorce or not. It is for not for anyone else to judge them either way.

Here is the second explicit circumstance:

Yet if the unbeliever departs, let there be separation. The brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us in peace. 1 Corinthians 7:15

Abandonment is the second circumstance in Scripture. This shows the mercy of God. Why would He expect anyone to stay in the bond of marriage when the spouse has left them? 

These are the only two reasons that the Bible gives for a divorce. I know many, many people will think that is not fair. Especially in the case of physical abuse. But let’s consider what provision God has actually made for a woman who is in danger from her husband. 

You see, God has made it clear that a woman can leave and move away from her husband, and He doesn’t even give any specifics as to why she can leave.

But to the married I command—not I, but the Lord—that the wife not leave her husband (but if she departs, let her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband not leave his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:10-11

Notice that this is a literal command given by our Lord. God does not want husbands or wives to just arbitrarily leave each other. The marriage vow is sacred, and God wants it treated as such. 

But notice that there is an out for only the woman. Please read the beginning of the verse again, the wife is commanded not to leave her husband, but if she does… Even though God never desires it, a woman is allowed to leave. This is protection for the wife from a wicked, abusive husband. 

But if she does leave, she is to remain unmarried. She cannot get married to any other man as long as her husband is alive. If she wants to be married, she has to go back to her husband. There is no command that she ever has to return, but she must remain unmarried. This implies that divorce is allowed, but it is explicitly commanded that remarriage to another man is not allowed.

If we think about this logically, this is the perfect solution. Women usually get married because they want it. So if they understand that leaving means that they are to remain unmarried, it is an incentive to stay, even when the going gets tough. But since God does allow for a woman to leave for pretty much any reason, this is protection for her. 

Notice, however, that leaving is crossing over into the area of abandonment. So the husband could possibly remarry. But if the woman has left, there is no provision for her to remarry. In fact, she is commanded to remain unmarried. This lets us know that God is very serious about the sanctity of marriage. He wants divorce to be the absolute last resort when there is no other possible solution.

We can see this in the fact that the man is commanded not to leave his wife. There is no out for him. Yes, there are abusive wives, but it is not usually the norm that the wife is so abusive that the man’s life is in danger. The majority of the time when physical abuse occurs, it is the woman who is in danger. 

This parallels completely with other passages in the Bible that teach that the man has the main responsibility for the success of marriage. Yes, there are difficult wives, but there are also difficult children and parents. Do we divorce them when this happens? No. Men have the power to succeed in this area because God has given it to them. They just need to believe this and ask God for guidance on how to make a difficult marriage work. 

Many people have been hurt very badly in their marriages. But there is always hope and healing, and it is only found in our Creator God Almighty. Someday He will make everything right. 

I heard a loud voice out of heaven saying, “Behold, God’s dwelling is with people; and He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; neither will there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain any more. The first things have passed away.” Revelation 21:3-4

This is our future hope, but until then, we can cling to this present promise:

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, for those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

If you are in a difficult marriage, please don’t lose hope even if the outcome seems awful and your spouse is not won over to you. No matter what, you have the sure promise that God will work it all out.